Clumsy Is As Clumsy Does!

Being ever so slightly clumsy and slightly accident-prone myself, and after a particularly eventful evening I decided to try a bit of Internet research on the subject. So I typed into the search box ‘what makes people clumsy?’

A surprising amount of the hits that were returned seemed to be connected to alcohol, understandable enough I guess but I feel I’m a little more specialised than most in as much as my clumsiness, when intoxicated (and I don’t need to be anywhere near drunk to do this) seems to focus on an ability to spill red wine. Never White Wine, I can hold a gallon glass of white, perch it precariously on the arm of a sofa, knock it, walk past it, kick it, you name it, it never topples – but give me a glass of red and I only need to be in the same room before it inevitably ends up covering something. The amount of wine spilt and the resulting stain seems to bear a distinct correlation to the colour of my surroundings at the time i.e. the lighter the colour ergo the more likely to stain=the higher the chance of spillage. So I was more than a little concerned when Matt and I started looking for a new place to live and the cute little furnished cottage that we really liked had two white sofas in it. As anyone who’s ever spent an evening drinking with me will tell you – it’s only a matter of time! No matter how careful I am I WILL spill red wine on one of them sooner or later. So it wasn’t the end of the world when the estate agents phoned today and told us that the Landlord has now decided that he wants to rent the place unfurnished! Phew!

We haven’t got it in the bag yet but here’s hoping, not that I’m looking forward to actually moving it feels like I’ve done nothing but put things in boxes and move them from one place to the other for the last six months, but it’ll be worth it when (if) we get there, it’s got a garden, and a garage and everything!

So back to today. We have one of those slow closing things on the toilet door at work, which has to be bolted shut at the end of the day. I went in to get a bin liner from the cupboard in there and the door started to close ever so slowly, just as I heard a customer come into the shop. In an attempt to finish the job in hand before I went to sort out the customer I pulled on the towel rail on the outside of the door to close it more quickly which promptly came off in my hand sending me flying backwards into a pile of boxes of wine stacked on the floor. Fortunately the bottles didn’t break and I think I’ve managed to stick the towel rail back into the screw holes convincingly enough that no one will ever notice it was torn from it’s fixings, and I'm sure the bruises will fade quite quickly this time! Then I came home, watched an episode of Heroes (well worth checking out) than proceeded to knock a glass of wine all over my computer desk (none on the carpet, honest Matt!) twice and all this after only three small glasses.

I looked on Wikipedia and apparently clumsiness is caused by neurological problems and thankfully I don’t seem to suffer from any of the other symptoms associated with them when not drinking red wine so I can only come to the conclusion that red wine just turns whatever part of my brain that controls coordination, often with devastating effects on upholstery, (and my head, I still have a lump from a particularly unfortunate incident involving red wine, falling over and a pint glass, filled with water at Christmas)into a pile of mush.

Though it pains me to say it, it would appear that the only cure is a life devoid of red wine. Oh what the hell – what’s a carpet or two between friends anyway.

UPDATE

We got the Cottage, whoopee more moving, more packing, more lugging boxes around and then forever trying to remember which box things are in. Moving Day 26th Feb. I can't wait :)