February 19, 2006

A Letter To Our Pets!

I was sent this by email and it just reminded me of a few of the many reasons why, on days like today, I like animals more than I like (some) people!

Dear Cats and Dogs,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not make it yours and I don't find it cute!

The stairway is not a race track! Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Don't think I'm going to sleep on the sofa to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's bum - NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this enough!

And just to keep the pets happy these are the rules, for people who don't cohabit with a Cat or Dog, visiting our house!

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit.

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"nature )

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

Remember: Cats and Dogs are better than kids because:

1. They eat less

2. They don't ask for money all the time.

3. They are easier to train and usually come when they're called (for Cats read sometimes come when they are called, if they are hungry at the time!)

4. They never drive your car.

5. They don't hang out with drug-using friends and don't smoke or drink.

6. They don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions.

7. They don't wear your clothes.

8. They don't need a "go-zillion" dollars for college/university

9. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children, and nobody arrests you!

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